I feel broken and not in a Christiany way. I feel like there is a glitch in my software. It feels like somewhere the hardware is broke. Somewhere inside me there’s a part that gave up and quit and the rest of me is struggling to maintain because of it.

Sometimes I develop this mindset that I am in currently where I care progressively less about myself to the point where I do the bare minimum of self-care and spend my time wishing for all the people I care about to be happier and be more successful.

Thinking about tattoos for the first time in my life. I kinda want oathkeeper and oblivion keyblades on each arm since kingdom hearts is so important to me.

Theodicy Related Thoughts

I hope this isn’t too long because I am on mobile and do not intend to make this a read more by getting on the computer. I have been thinking about this all day and wanted to sort out things while simultaneously being open to response. Final disclaimer: I will likely make a few more absolute statements than I usually do. I am starting with the basis that God is good because of what Jesus did.

Theodicy is pointless. I think a decent evangelical argument theodicy being a tool of Satan to distract us from more important things could be made. If God is good because of what Jesus did, then we have already established that God is good. Beyond that, attempting to discern what God does or does not do in regards to evil does not change the reality of it. Evil is present. The question is, what must be done about evil?

I cannot truly claim that theodicy is pointless however, as it is of importance. There is no perfect theodicy although my comrades who believe the future doesn’t exist and that God is not omni-potent would beg to differ. Theodicy is a relevant discussion to understand that how one portrays God is of paramount importance to those who do not believe God is good. It is difficult to convince someone that God is good when they have experienced a life that understandably embitters them to the idea. I find taking the time to consider the matter of theodicy to be absolutely important for that reason.

Seeing evil in the world should not make the Christian turn to God to sweep it all away. That comes later. If Jesus is our example, then we should confront evil as he did. I remember a friend telling me that they felt like we as American Christians were living in sin because we should sell all we had and give it to the poor. I wasn’t sure how I felt about that. I definitely agreed we had too much. But I was unconvinced we had to give it all up. I was also afraid that I was unconvinced because I was unwilling to give things up. I gave the classic response of, “If God wants me to give everything up I would.” I remember reading through Genesis a few months later. Reading about Abraham I saw that God told him that he was blessed so that through him others would be blessed. I hate the terms blessings, but the idea that those with more should take that more to “bless” those with less was significant for me.

The evil and injustice in this world was made by man. God seeks to right that by bringing about his kingdom through his followers. As such, when confronted with evil and injustice, it is the duty of Christians to fight against them. One cannot help what situation they are born in. Some will have much privilege and power while others will have none. Those with much I would say are obligated to use that much to fight evil and injustice while also helping those with little to none. Whether it be God or it be chance that I have been born in the comforts I have, I feel obligated to use the power and privilege I have towards bettering the world.

I know logically that graduating college isn’t something that you have to do. It doesn’t define your worth. It isn’t some important milestone in your life. It doesn’t have to matter. But right now I just feel really disappointed in myself even though I have plans to go back. People I went to college with and I would have graduated with are celebrating that event. I feel like low, small, and unintelligent.

Most tumblr drama consists of both sides unlovingly declaring the other side to be unloving. Sometimes it manifests itself as, “You talk disrespect my friends? I am going to disrespect you.” My initial thought is that we all could use more humility. My second thought is how have I been contributing to what resulted in this? I’ll spend the day considering that part.

Today I began wondering how many times Jesus didn’t heal someone. I’m curious about how many people did not receive some miraculous act to alter their lives. How many people died while Jesus was in another part of the country and were not raised from the dead? People try to rationalize God’s power with how He claims to be good as well as how the two can coexist in light of the evil in the world. It is too old a question for me to feel like I will find an answer to it. In looking at various structures of thought, I find each has its own set of failures in logic. Each structure reaches a point that it breaks down. I feel like all I can do is trust that God is good while having more power to alter the state of the world than I do. I can’t deny that power because I feel I would deny the acts of Jesus. I can’t deny God is good because that would deny the acts of Jesus. If Jesus is the fullness of God, He demonstrated during His life that He is both powerful and good, and I have to trust that He continues to be so while not on this earth in a physical form.

Post-Easter Thoughts

Yesterday was weird for me because while most people were endlessly discussing the importance of the resurrection of Jesus and how much it means to them, I found myself pondering how to conduct myself in the midst of it all. While I definitely find it to be of deep importance to me, it was strangely difficult to appreciate that in others. In considering it further, it made me realize that I have become extremely private with my faith in more recent times to the point I make a joke of anything I can to avoid being vulnerable about it all. I resist sharing about myself while trying to smile and nod when listening to others. As I thought about it more, I realized how sad it was which is a statement I don’t make lightly. I rarely am so quick be critical of myself, but this is something I view as crucial. To grow as private with my faith as I have is sad because it should not be my faith and other people’s faith. It should be our faith. Because I have developed so much disconnect from the faith of others who claim the same Jesus that I do, I have diminished my ability to take part in the community of believers. I have no idea where to go from here and what to do, but I do realize that where I am is not less than ideal. It is unsustainable.

I would like to become well-articulated bitterness that points people to hope.